My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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