we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
