I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
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