Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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