Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
