my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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