Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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