All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
