Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Randomize
