I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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