I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
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