life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Are my feet made of real feet?
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
