Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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