Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Randomize
