it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
