Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
