It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
