Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
My vagina just clenched in fear
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
