saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
i believe in u and ur pee
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
