God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
