Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Randomize
