How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Randomize
