I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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