If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
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