I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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