Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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