Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Randomize
