You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
