Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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