my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Terrible idea I love it
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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