i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
