I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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