I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
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