Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
