It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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