i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
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