so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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