I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
