Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
