pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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