the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
