Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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