I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
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I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
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My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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