I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
