I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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