my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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