Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
you will always have a special place in my vag
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
