Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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