Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
