We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
