I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
