I can't breathe out the right side of my face
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
