this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
