I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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