im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
