I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
You have to summon your inner elephant
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
