my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
In America we eat man semen.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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