Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize
