She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
