You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
