Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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